Back a month ago...There was a coffee for women at church and an invitation to come join a mentorship. I really hesitated. After all, is this really going to be where God has us for the rest of our lives - Chino? And part of the worst thing about our new existence was having almost all of our friends and "how we knew life" stripped away from us. It's almost like I've never lived in Chino before or spent so much time here because we are really starting all over. Sorry, I digress. Well, I signed up to check out this woman to woman mentoring thing and couldn't believe the varied ages of the ladies, from high school on up. I almost left because I didn't think I could share what I'm going through because who would understand. I didn't leave and was encouraged to stay. They promised to take our information cards and pray over them so the Lord would choose the perfect mentor for us. I found that God did exactly that and a week later I met a dear lady. A widow of a pastor that had been ministering for almost 30 years and deeply hurt in the end of ministry. We just looked at each other, with tears in our eyes, and agreed that God had put us together for the next six months. I thank the Lord that I'm in the right place! We started reading a book and dealing with the topic of fear. It's what I needed especially in my physical state.
I am sick of doctor's offices, co-pays and medicine! It's almost to the point I feel like a picture from the medical dictionary under "patient." Whether it's herniated disc in my neck from sneezing to finding out I carry a cancer gene to fibromyalgia and most recently, diabetes - I'm just so tired of it! I've been putting off a routine eye exam that most diabetics have to have every year. My first time but I didn't think anything of it, besides maybe it's time to get a new pair of glasses. The doctor spent a lot of time looking into my left eye and ended the visit with a strong prompting to move quickly to a blood test and MRI because the back of eye was swollen (edema). I didn't quite understand she meant this was an emergency until I was tested by people that said the doctor wanted the answer right away! Later I read scary things like tumors can cause this and people can go blind. Oh, isn't the internet such the comfort at our fingertips!
Fast forward to the results. The MRI showed that there is something on my brain! It is called venous angioma and its on the parietal lobe in the back of my head. It's not known if this is even the reason for the edema in the eye or my migraines. The doctor called with the news yesterday, Nov. 11th. The doctor promised to get me into the neuro-surgeon in two days. One of the first things we find out about this is most cases aren't found until an autopsy! I am very lucky they found it. It can be the cause of my shoulder pain, migraines, dizziness, forgetfulness, etc. Get this - one internet site said one of the symptoms was LAZINESS!! Don't ask my husband if he agrees! People with this can experience major strokes, black outs, seizures and even death. One person with this made a comment on a website that they felt like they had a "ticking time bomb in their head." So I don't know if there will be a cure, medication or surgery yet. Most don't get surgery unless they can get to the exact spot and do radiation that won't hurt the rest of the brain. Only meeting with the surgeon will give me more answers. Most Christians can and hopefully rest in that fact that we know the great surgeon and that the healer will have the final say! Am I one of the ones that can REST in that though? I can be so fearful!!! Even after my Mom was just healed of Ovarian cancer! It's sounds to me like I will need the same kind of miracles!
Now your probably wondering why I titled this "perfect love drives out fear." Well, my mentor and I have been reading a book together. That was the verse that stuck out to me the day before this news. I have really never understood how this can be possible and I don't know if I've truly experienced God's love driving out my fear completely! I think I'm about to experience it though. If this scripture could be translated by how I lived my life it would probably say perfect UNDERSTANDING drives out fear! It's easier for us to trust God when we can see the purpose of our trials but that's not how He works. I don't understand so much of what is happening to my family but maybe that's why God gave us our promise the week after He sent us off in a new direction. Our book also said that God has in mind our ultimate good and not just our present comfort. What I'm beginning to really understand is that GOD is that perfect love and the more I dwell in Him, read His Word and hear His voice then that is when fear is replaced with peace. I think I'm beginning to understand and will some day look back and see the "ultimate good." Haggai 2:9 says, "The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,’ says the Lord Almighty. ‘And in this place I will grant peace,’ declares the Lord Almighty.”
I was listening to a sermon that had the best illustration about fear and that image has been a constant reminder to me that God is holding my hand through it all! God's main goal is to make you and I into people of faith! If you have time, take a listen to it:
10.17.10 - Making Sense of Your Life
Pastor Jim Cymbala
If you are reading this, thank you! I need your prayers too. Thank you!
